Facing My Personal Demons

Back before I met my wonderful hubby, I was a pretty unhappy person. Three messy break-ups over the course of three years destroyed my self esteem. I had a few friends, but not many and the person I’d considered my best friend turned around and stabbed me in the back a year beforehand (taking a number of our friends with her). I spent a lot of time convincing people I was happy while I was a right mess inside.

I was so desperate for attention, good, bad, it didn’t really matter. And I went to some pretty self-destructive extremes to get it. I won’t go into much detail because those are difficult memories, but it was purely luck that kept me from getting myself seriously hurt.

When I looked in the mirror I didn’t see a person that deserved love and affection; I saw a fat, ugly woman that was fortunate to get any consideration from a man. I allowed myself to be used and hurt by people to whom I shouldn’t have given a second thought, but felt they deserved it for paying me any mind.

When I sat down to eat, I didn’t think about what I needed to fuel my body. If it made me feel good at that moment, that’s what I ate – never mind I felt terrible afterwards.

At the same time I struggled to keep up a good front for the world. To my parents, to my peers, to my professors I was the perfect student, daughter, friend, and colleague. I carried a 3.8 – 4.0 GPA my junior year of college, I got involved in all kinds of activities, but I hated myself. I didn’t date any of the men I went to school with because I was too involved with the jerks crushing my soul. I’d look at the girls around me – smiling, laughing, happy – and I’d want to be them because being me was so depressing.

I spent my life pretending I was anyone else but me. I’d traipse off to the renaissance faire to dress up, talk funny, and leave my life behind. There I allowed myself the leeway to feel just a little pretty, but couldn’t get that owing people feeling out of my mind. Usually I felt a little better if I only knew their first name and they only knew mine – that way they couldn’t find me later, but that didn’t always work.

Over those years, however, there were rays of hope and love. I discovered I had friends that would stick with me through the hard times, people who would stop me from making very, very bad decisions, and comfort me when I made those choices. A lot of who I am now is because of those folks, and they helped me reach a place where I could start to be happy with myself again.

It took me several years after meeting my hubby to really come to terms with my past. No, it wasn’t suddenly a magically magical life with rainbows and kittens and sunshine. We put a lot of hard work into the ten years of our relationship and had our ups and downs. The difference was I finally met someone who was worth the work, who appreciated and respected me, who saw the beautiful person I was even when I didn’t see it, not someone who upon viewing with beer goggles wasn’t entirely repellant.

And sometimes my past rears its ugly head telling me I don’t deserve the happiness I have. It’s the little devil on my shoulder that misses the freedom of those times. Isn’t it crazy that I forget how much I disliked myself? Disliked how I felt all the time? But I just have to take a few moments to remember the tears, remember the soul aching pain, the heartbreak and the hurt to know I would never want to go back to that life.

I just have to keep repeating this to myself: I deserve to be happy and I am worth it.

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About singingforasmallerme

I'm just a girl doing a thing. A little sarcastic, a little cynical, and a total sassbot. Nothing's off limits here, but my primary focus is weight loss. Still, you might find commentary on anything ranging from makeup to music to fashion to beer and dancing.
This entry was posted in Ramblings, The Third Twenty Pounds and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Facing My Personal Demons

  1. shrinkingirl says:

    You DO deserve to be happy and I, for one, totally believe you are 100% worth anything you want. I’m so sorry you went through those years of self-hate but I’m overjoyed you’re finding happiness now.
    I know all too well that feeling of being happy for any man’s attention… I just went to the opposite extreme… if anyone paid me attention there was obviously something wrong with them… I’d lose complete interest the moment they expressed any interest.
    THIS is the part about being overweight a lot of the public doesn’t get. They sit there and they spout off insults and roll their eyes but what they don’t get is that THEY made us insecure and unhappy for not valuing us as our individual selves… THEY are the ones who said “you’re just a body, not a person, and we don’t like your body.” THIS is the stuff people need to understand. We are not bodies, we are people… each of us unique, beautiful and wonderful in our own ways.

    • You hit the nail on the head there. People only see the surface and ignore the person underneath, choosing to ignore the fact that that person is better at beating themselves than they’ll ever be, and all they do is add fuel to the fire.

      Breaking the cycle if self-hate is so important.

  2. skerrington says:

    Good for you for making it through those difficult times so you can be where/who you are today.

  3. You are a wonderful and inspiring person! You have accomplished so much in your life!

    But you know, I completely understand where you are coming from. It seems that we are much harder on ourselves than others are on us.

    Those people you left behind didn’t deserve to have someone as wonderful as you in their lives!

    Good for you for finding your happy place and realizing that without a doubt YOU are worth it! :)

    (((HUGS))))

    ~Kellie

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